Greg and Rich explore how to handle guilt when illness, pain, anxiety, or other limits force you to cancel plans. Practical tips include honest communication, brief cancellation templates, backup plans, offering alternatives, and practicing self-compassion. Resources: kindnessrx.org, 988, NIMH.

00:00 - 00:26
Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Support and Kindness podcast with Greg and Rich. My name is Greg and on the call with me today we've got Rich. It is April the 20th 2025 and today's episode came about from a discussion that we had during our groups last week. And that was what to do when you're forced to cancel plans.

00:26 - 00:47
How do you handle any feelings of guilt that may arise? And Rich, if you want, I'll go first and then I'll kick it over to you and then come back to me. Sounds good. Okay so cancelling plans is a reality for many people who suffer from chronic pain or anxiety, depression, things of that nature, any number of things really.

00:47 - 01:18
And the most important thing is not to feel like a failure as many of us often do feel like a failure but we shouldn't blame ourselves as if we've got control over a pain flare up or a depressive episode or you know an anxiety episode or any other really in cause of us having to cancel plans. But I get it, it's easier said than done. If you're supposed to be at an important event with your child or your spouse, friends or another situation, and then you suddenly need to cancel, it's difficult to live with their disappointment sometimes.

01:19 - 02:04
You know, whether they understand it or whether they don't, we can tell ourselves that we've really let them down. We can tell ourselves we're a terrible parent, a terrible spouse, a lousy friend or Simply just a failure just because we have to cancel plans We take all the blame, but we don't see that sometimes Circumstances beyond our control force our hand and the leaders to canceling the plans or sometimes making plans in the first place Yeah, I think communication is absolutely vital You know, I think that guilt is one of the most common feelings in this in these situations because there's internal pressure to push through and meet expectations to not disappoint others. But we have to acknowledge our limits.

02:05 - 02:28
We have to have a backup plan. We have to practice self-compassion. And most importantly, we have to communicate openly. I've kept quiet or assumed others understand why I'm not able to do something or not able to attend and it leads not or why I cancel plans and it leads to hurt feelings or resentment and misunderstandings over why I didn't attend.

02:29 - 03:22
I assume somebody understands my chronic pain or, you know, my chronic condition and they're going to understand that's the cause of my cancelled plans or my not showing up for this commitment that we had. And if I don't explicitly tell them, they think I'm just flaking on them. the fifth Looking at why guilt shows up, the guilt often comes from those internal expectations, you know, the shoulds, I should have done this, I should have done that, if I would have done, if I would have, comes from those internalised expectations, right? I should be able to push through the pain, push through the anxiety, the depression, the cognitive trigger, the shame.

03:22 - 03:52
Society prizes productivity and reliability and we can feel guilty sometimes because we care. Caring about someone else's feelings can turn into self-blame when we think that we've let them down, so we have to deal with that as well. Instead of, I failed them, we could replace that with, I couldn't be there this time because my body or my mind needed some help, and it shifts failure to factual necessity. And reminding ourselves that cancelling a decision made from limits is not character limits.

03:53 - 04:11
Limits are part of being human, and one cancelled event rarely defines a whole relationship. Being short and honest, you know, I'm really sorry. My health's acting up at the moment and I can't make this today. I hate to miss it, but we can reschedule for next week or I'm available for a phone call this evening if that helps.

04:12 - 04:44
Communicate in expectations ahead of time, like you said, Rich. Plan for shorter visits and have a backup plan for caregiving, childcare, support or just an escape clause. You could keep a brief message template ready so that if you have to cancel, you don't need to overthink it. We can't control how someone else feels and their disappointment might be real but their emotion is their emotion to manage and it's not their emotions are not evidence of our self-worth and if someone responds harshly maybe we could say look I understand you're disappointed you know I might

04:44 - 05:11
feel the same way but I'm doing the best given my health. Self Care that can help us from going into catastrophizing. I always say that wrong. Catastrophizing.

05:11 - 05:25
Yeah, thank you. Those self-compassion exercises are important and treating ourselves like we would a friend. If we get that frequent guilt or it's severe, you know, a therapist might be able to help us. Peer supports can help as well.

05:25 - 05:43
Our support groups really help me Rich, you get off, I don't want to talk for you though. Rich, you had mentioned family members and stuff having a conversation with loved ones but they don't always get it right. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Maybe we could encourage loved ones to talk about alternatives.

05:43 - 06:05
Maybe a shorter visit or a phone call would work. Cancelling plans can sometimes feel like a loss but it's also a form of self-care. and it's a responsible choice when we're not well. Honest communication, Rich, you hit the nail on the head right out the gate when you talked about communication and setting realistic expectations and you might not meet when you need to rest.

06:05 - 06:24
It's reoccurring for you, but the people in your life you might be getting together with a different person. each day of the week. You might have plans with a different person each week and it's a different person that you're canceling plans on. So, it's new to them.

06:24 - 06:55
So, while I'm unable to do something this week for the second week in a row, it's a new person that I'm canceling plans on. It's not the second week in a row that I've canceled plans on Greg. I had plans with, you know, My wife last week and I have plans with Greg this week and I'm canceling plans with two different people. So, well, I feel like I'm failing the same way the same people over and over and over again.

06:56 - 07:45
You're failing different. You're that guilt that compounding guilt that compounding feeling is. Only felt by you that's that's internal and that's something that you need to work through because these are one off events for the people that you have plans with your your only missing one event one time based on your health or your wellness or or your pain one day or you know into depressive thoughts and guilt, and that's where we need to practice self-compassion.

07:46 - 08:04
And that's where communication with others is important, but also we need to be honest with ourselves that, you know, these aren't the end of the world. These are one-off events. And I'll try and put some resources in the show notes. What might be a good idea for some resources?

08:04 - 08:16
Our support groups. 988, you know, the Support the Lifeline. Any other resources that you think that might be a good addition? I've always enjoyed all the resources that the National Institute of Mental Health has.

08:17 - 08:23
It's a great resource. It's got all sorts of links. It's worth checking out. Always to get it on their website.

08:23 - 08:27
That is a good one, isn't it? That is a good one. Yes. Yeah, thanks Rich.

08:27 - 08:33
I think that'd make a great addition. Any closing thoughts, my friend? Nope. I am done for the day.

08:33 - 08:52
Thank you very much for joining us today, guys. Well, as I say on my other podcast, and I'll maybe bring it into this one, I'll maybe cut it out, but we'll see. I always say, it's that time again. You've wasted some perfectly good time listening to the Support and Kindness podcast with Greg and Rich, but no, you chose to listen anyway.

08:52 - 09:06
And no cats or pets or animals were harmed in the making of this. Let us know how you deal with cancelling plans if that's something that you have to deal with. You can visit us on kindnessrx.org and again in the show notes will be some good links. So we'll see you next time.

09:06 - 09:08
Thanks Rich. Thank you. Take care guys.